Questions

I Peter 5:7 - "Cast all your anxiety on him, because he cares for you."

Sometimes I struggle with this. Okay, frequently I struggle with this. I have led a charmed life, a wonderful existense that I wouldn't trade with the Queen of Sheba. But I'm a worrier. This is one of my biggest struggles. Sometimes still, a gut-wrenching fear will grip me when I leave my parents or my husband for a trip. I'll think, "What if I never see them again?" Then I'll start to tear up, because that's my response to pretty much everything. I'll see Daniel in an accident, being carted away in an ambulance, mangled car in the background. I'll see my Dad thrown against the wall by one of the machines he's repairing at Glaxo. Or I'll see a horrible mishap at the hospital where my mother is a nurse. This is one of the situations where it is detrimental to have such an active imagination.

My work life has been an increasing anxiety-producer for the past year or so... maybe a little longer. Yesterday, I had a wonderful conversation with my co-worker/boss and it turns out, I'm not a complete nutter! She's been going through this too! I'm so glad I'm not alone! But still, anxiety will continue on here until there is a major change.

Most of the time, when I am anxious, I sing. I sing loudly until my head hurts. It usually helps dissipate some of the anxiety. Or I repeat a verse slowly putting emphasis on varying words. I make a mental list of ways that the Lord has shown that He cares for me. It's hard to do these things at work sometimes... singing at my desk is not something that would be looked upon kindly. I'm sure it would draw looks. I have to find things that are quick, because often these anxiety-producing, emotionally-charged moments are also the most frantic. So, I wonder, what are some of the ways that you "Cast your anxieties on the Lord?" This has always seemed an elusive command. One of those that would be great... if I could figure out how to do it!

Twitchy

I'm feeling twitchy. Like, jump out of my skin, mind racing so fast it hurts twitchy.

I'm sure it has something to do with the fact that, after 3 weeks of having a cold I finally went to the doctor and was told I have sinusitis and an infection and she wasn't completely convinced I didn't have strep. So, basically, after living with mucous flowing freely from my body from every orifice, my body decided to pack even more of it in any available cavity like those crazy shirtless football fans pack into a stadium.

I know you're all grateful for that mental image.

I'm sure it has to do with the fact that I have been sitting at this god-forsaken desk for months now with what feels like the world crashing about my shoulders. I'm just going to succumb to it and start wearing camo and helmets to work, though I'll leave weapons at home. Trying fiercely to remember that the Lord provides for the sparrows, and He cares more for me than the sparrows. Yes, I have been blessed even during this difficult economic time. Daniel and I both have jobs right now, we have an apartment that we can afford and we can put food on the table.

It's hard to keep my mind on this when I hear that 1 in 50 kids is homeless... what? The Lord cares for those kids more than the sparrows... what are they doing homeless? Lord, where is the justice in that? Poor little kids; I don't get it. I know everyone struggles with these thoughts at times, and I know that God didn't create it this way, that our sin is what destroyed the world. But boy it's hard to reconcile that with a hurting heart. So, I just imagine what His must feel like, because those are His creation... God's heart must hurt a lot right now. For a lot of reasons.

I'm also sure it has to do with the fact that I just want to get away for a while. Away from people, away from noises, away from people depending on me for things. Today has been a real struggle, my head is pounding at the slightest noise and I don't have anything left to give, then I find that a client thought I had been rude. Sigh. I admit, I'm not well versed in "legalese" so when a question was asked regarding it, I took a message. I don't like being definitive about something I don't know about. I also wasn't chatty, I listened, I answered that I was unsure and took a number. Evidently that's bad?

I also need to go to the grocery store... but I just don't feel like facing Wal-Mart or the creepy man that stares in the Food Lion. So, I guess it's PB&J tonight! I don't know though... maybe I'll stop long enough to grab a bottle of Sangria... that and a bath has real possibility. Oh, and I forgot! I have homemade hot fudge, those three things combined will do me some good.

I'm off to clean the tub!