Real-ness

I have an incredibly deep need. I have a need not to be who I am right now. I'm feeling so bottled up, stressed and just... sad. And I just have to get it off my chest or I might do or say something I'll regret. So, I'll type it out and delete what I want.

I'm in my mid twenties. So, I guess, quarter life crisis time. And boy have I felt it. Anyone who says it's not real must have the life they'd envisioned in their mid twenties. Because it's hit me like a ton of bricks and I can safely say that I have never felt worse about myself. Even in highschool.

In my head, I know it's ridiculous. I have a husband who is handsome and believes I'm a talented singer and decorator. He doesn't hinder my insane love of reading. He thinks I'll be a great Mom someday, and that I strive to be a good wife. He's a good, hard-working man. I have the most wonderful family anyone could hope to have. My sister, my parents. . . are fantastic. I love them dearly and they have been supportive of me. I have great friends. I still have a job. . . such as it is.

But this is the season of life I find myself in. I'm sad. And I keep battling it back. With nothing more than a fork and spoon in my hand, I tear at the insecurity and lies surrounding me. Standing here wishing desperately the earth would just swallow me whole so it would be over. I'm sad.

Everytime the phone rings in my office I think I'm going to blow. Everytime another project or errand is added, I think I might lose it. And I generally don't mind at all, I'm happy to help anyone, just here lately, I feel like I might. . . "lose my religion" as they say.

Ever so slowly, I feel like I've been on a spiral. A downward one. Right into the pit of my own depravity. And here's the horrifying thing, Jesus was nailed to the cross to free me of that. My sin nature is still there, but I don't have to bow to it's every command. I know this, I accepted it upwards of ten years ago.

I never understood Christians who were depressed, really. Until recently. "Jesus saved you! He died to show His love! It can't be so bad that that doesn't impact you." Yes. It's true. I know it. I don't feel it right now. In this place, in this time, my love for Jesus is still real. But you can't always feel love. Otherwise, it wouldn't be a commitment - it would be easy. It's anything but easy.

So right now I just want to shout, "Why is this stinking road so long?" Then I want to sit on the curb and cry.

Psalm 73:26 is one of my favorite verses, "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."

I need this to be true right now in my life. Powerfully so. I'm walking through a valley right now, and its not one of circumstance. I am not hungry or naked or wanting in a physical way, but it's an intense spiritual yearning. A yearning like I've never felt before. Gut-wrenching. Powerful. And I need God to be my strength and my portion, because I'm out of reasons and motivation to do it anymore. I need to be carried, because I haven't the strength to move.

I've been pondering what my pastor calls a "Holy Discontent" for a while now. I know that godliness next to contentment is great gain. (I Timothy 6:6) But that context is talking about money. What I'm searching for is passion, that life-changing zeal that propels me out of bed every morning. I'm not concerned with racking up millions, I do want to be responsible with what I've been given, but I'm searching for the purpose I'm on this earth. The thing God placed in my heart to burn until He takes me home. For Paul it was winning another soul to the Lord, for Timothy it was pastoring a church. In that context, I'm thinking that contentment is another word for complacency. If it's not life-changing, soul searching, eternity altering. . . is it really worth the fuss? I'm an all or nothing type of girl. (That's why I don't play poker.)

I'm determined it's out there. And I know that one day God will reveal it, even if I don't know the story until heaven. And until then I'll try to rest in Psalm 73:26. But right now, I'm just going to cry and shout and wait for the world to turn some more. Whatever it is, Jesus. Whatever it is that needs to be purged, pry it from my hands. Mold me like the dirty clay I am into the useful vessel that you can see at the end of my journey. You are a good God.