Monday, April 27, 2009


I'm sitting at my desk wondering when I decided the way I was wired wasn't good.

I'm mildly OCD about my apartment's cleanliness. I daydream about everything. I make stories for everything. I'm very emotional. If my mind is not occupied by something else while I'm doing something mindless, I'll go absolutely nutty. For example, I like to listen to audio books or music while I'm cleaning, filing papers, making dinner, etc. Or sometimes I'll just let my mind wander, just depends on my mood. (If my mind wanders, I'm much less productive though...) But it's nearly impossible for me to stay 100% focused on something unless I am actively engaged. But then, I also need to stay still and quiet sometimes. I love being with people, but sometimes I need to be alone. I need for things to be a bit different day by day, to keep me intrigued, but I need some things to be consistent.

Why do I seem like such a dichotomy to even myself?

Why do I seem like both sides of a coin?

Why do I feel the need to change these enduring parts of me?

God made me with my personality, my quirks, my passions. But my sin nature is a curse (that ultimately, thank God, I'll be free from). I never feel good enough. I always doubt myself. I am prideful. I put unneeded guilt, stress and worry on myself.

So, when did I decide that all of me needed changing? When did I decide that God had surely not gotten it right when He made me? When did I decide that my daydreaming and creativity were always negative? Certainly, it needs to be reigned in. I can't very well be writing a story in my head while studying Scripture, listening to a sermon, answering telephones at work... This has happened though...

I feel like lately God has been telling me to give a bit of reign to my creativity. To not squelch it back completely. To laugh more openly, to enjoy more without trying to put limitations on what I should be and enjoy how He made me.

Zephaniah 3:17
For the Lord your God is living among you.
He is a mighty savior.
He will take delight in you with gladness.
With his love, he will calm all your fears.
He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.

Isaiah 43:7
Bring all who claim me as their God,
for I have made them for my glory.
It was I who created them.

1 comment:

  1. Oh, my sweet Amanda. I feel your pain. I always feel like a contradiction in terms. Vanity and self loathing, the need to be around other people and then the not knowing what to say when I am. Confidence mixed with self consciousness. I have also wondered why I was created the way that I am. And I have recently heard Gods silent and sometimes not so silent assertions that he is not finished with me yet. P.S. I listened to the Sorcers Stone yesterday, while gardening, while making dinner and baking a cake. ;)